Mommy merit badges

Welcome Camp Candid Carrie Fieldtrippers! It's so nice of you to stop by, and so very nice of my friend, Jess, over at The Wilsons House, to give you directions. Feel free to snoop through the archives (it's kind of like opening someone's medicine cabinet, isn't it?), or if you're feeling frisky today, just dive right into today's entry. I'm so glad you visited, and I hope you come back soon!

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I recently decided that being a mommy is like being part of a club. It's not the most elitist club that ever was, but there is definitely an intense initiation process. Something about the drugs, the screaming & grunting and the culmination of a day-long ordeal signified by piercing wailing that makes it all an incredible ceremony—a big club welcome if you will.

What nobody tells you after you're initiated, however, is that you'll be forced to practice and earn merit badges on a regular basis. It's like someone enrolled you in grad school without telling you—there's pop quizzes around every corner!

Now, I'm still a relatively new mom—not even 15 months have passed since I was initiated—but I've already aced and failed several merit badge exams. Let me explain (and also let me warn you that mommy merit badges can be revealing and gross on many levels—read on with caution!)...here are my top five so far:

I had only been part of the mommy club for two days when I earned my first merit badge—nipples of steel (yep, I'm going there...and we only just met!). My son, Noah, was confused about what part of the animal kingdom he came from. I think he thought he was a baby leech, or perhaps a calf...or any other creature that passes the time sucking fiercely on things/people. My poor boobs paid the price. I learned right away how soothing those squishy gel pads can be when cooled in the freezer and later applied to CRACKED body parts. Uh-huh—cracked. Ouch. Seems to me like that badge was a little over the top given that I just went through 13 hours of labor a few days prior, but I suppose it helped break me in much faster (almost like running for an officer post when you've just paid your membership dues!).

After nipples of steel, the next badge was easier: sleep deprivation. Oddly enough, I dealt rather well with a night of "sleep" that others barely justify as a decent nap. Two-hour stretches? Normal. Three? A treat! Four? Refreshing. Looking back, what the heck was I thinking? I remember the first time Noah slept through the night (= six hours). I drowsily opened my eyes, peeked at my alarm clock and shot up straight in bed. I was SURE he had stopped breathing or something because I never got more than four hours of sleep without hearing his little chirp from the monitor. But that whole sleep-less routine was okay. It was, at that time, optional. Merit badge #2—piece of cake.

Number three was more challenging. It didn't require blood or exhaustion, but it had a considerably higher "ick" factor. I'm talking about diapers. Not the kind that anyone will change—a harmless pee-filled pounder or a simple poop nugget plumper. I mean those diapers that change the landscape of a room for a short time, including the floor, furniture, air quality and the skin of any human within a 20-foot radius: the ultra-poopy, blobby drippy, blow-out, stinky diapers. Ick, eww, yuck. I wish—more than you know—that I've never earned extra stripes on this badge, but a few bouts of Noah-meets-the-stomach-flu have given me ample opportunity to earn a merit badge doctorate in this category. Aren't I lucky? (On a side note, I earned a special, related merit badge for a "floater" experience I had. I detailed that exciting day here...)

Merit badge #4: All sorts of sick. There's nothing better to make you feel like a failure than to look at your newborn and try to explain to him that you have to cram a plastic bulb thingy into his nose and aggressively suck out all the ooze that's stuffing it. And those little cries that result? Heartbreaking! And what about the thermometer that just keeps rising, despite the ultra cautious doses of baby Tylenol or Motrin you've administered (all the while worrying about those OD horror stories)? Worse yet—those little coughs and gags and upset tummies spilling over that you can do nothing about but pat, sooth and wipe away the yuck. Those helpless moments are so tough.

Merit badge #5: Baby belly laughter. My favorite badge, and what fun! It's by far been one of the most rewarding badges I've ever earned. To hear the sound of Noah laughing—from deep down in his gut—so much that he's nearly silent and "happy" crying... that's the BEST! As a tiny baby, it was peek-a-boo surprise that got him rolling. As he got older, a game of chase always did the trick. Now, his biggest laughs come from wrestling and goofy noises (or any other antic that toddlers find amusing).

There are others I've earned along the way, but none so exciting as these. What about you? What's your most memorable Mommy Club Merit Badge (or any club, really—everybody belongs to something!)?