A letter to Noah on his first birthday

Before I wrote this blog entry, I spent the better part of the day wondering when I would cry. I figured that most moms lose it the first few birthdays of their kids, give or take. But that moment never came for me all day. When I went to put Noah down to bed, I figured I would get misty-eyed then. Instead, he was a little rascal, wriggling and talking, poking at my nose and being stubborn about completing the sweet picture I had in my mind of rocking my one-year-old to sleep on my shoulder on his birthday. So I gave up, whispered an "I love you" as he giggled at me, laid him on his back and shut the door to his room. A few hours later, I heard an uncharacteristic whimper/cry from the nursery. Normally, when Noah goes down for the night, he doesn't get up for 10 or 11 hours. So I went in to investigate. I swooped him up and began to rock him. He kept whimpering, tossing and turning in my arms, trying his hardest to get comfy, but having no luck since he has—in just the last few days—outgrown the space between my shoulder and my lap. After a while he settled down, facing away from me with the back of his head nestled into my right shoulder and his arm flung over his head. That moment for me was bittersweet. My little one still wanted his mommy, but it turns out he's largely outgrown one of my favorite nighttime rituals (rocking him to sleep). And before I knew it, I was sobbing. Ah yes, there were the tears I had waited for all day...



For 365 days of your life, I have loved you. When you were growing in my belly, I had no idea how much I could love a tiny person. People say all the time that you never know love—like this—until you have a child. They are right. It is unimaginable the depth and strength of my love for you.

Already, you are an amazing person. When you were less than a week old, you smiled so brightly you lit up the room with an unbelievable radiance, which pooled in pockets of sunshine in your cheek's dimples... the same dimples I love to kiss over and over each day.

Your smile is just a hint of your personality. You bubble with life. Everything makes you happy—kitties, your stuffed frog, Daddy, pizza, being outside, shaking the sides of your crib, mommy singing to you, you name it!

And the things you can do! I have watched you zoom past every baby milestone with ease. Lately, you are proud of yourself for the half-run you've mastered and all the new words you practice endlessly. Today you said, "oh," as you dropped anything you could get your hands on over the side of your high chair. Last week, it was "doggie" you couldn't get enough of. And much to my delight, you've finally started saying "mommy" with more regularity.

I swell with pride when you sign to me. "Please" gets me every time. And the first time you said, "thank you" I thought I would swoon.

You have me wrapped around your chubby—and gigantic—little finger (no matter how many times you push the TV power button when I tell you, "no touch!"). I'm not the only one. People stop me in the store to tell me how adorable you are, and folks have marveled at what a laid-back baby you are.

I know the real truth: you are so handsome you take my breath away. And you ARE incredibly laid-back, but you know how to pitch a good fit when it suits you.

Lately, you use those fits to get your way. I haven't let it sink in yet that you don't have to get everything you want, so I cave a lot. I can't help myself. It breaks my heart when you cry, and your cheesy grin seems to fix everything for both of us. I figure there's time for time out and serious discipline when we reach the terrible twos.

Did I tell you how much I love you? And Daddy too? Our family is so happy these days. You bring out all the best parts of both of us. No one can cheer us up the way you can. You're just infectious!

I don't know how I ever survived without someone like you to love before you were born. You have changed my life in ways I never imagined.

I am so, so blessed to have you for a son. I can't wait to see what the next year brings. Just promise me one thing... don't grow up too fast, okay?

Mommy loves you...

And just so you never forget what you were doing on your first birthday, here are some pictures of you enjoying the presents Daddy and I bought for you.