Looking for the light

Have you ever felt like life was spinning out of control, and you're standing in the center watching it swirl around you? You feel like you're standing still, but everything else is moving at warp speed.

I feel that way right now. I am utterly overwhelmed with work, my house, and myself lately. I've told several people that I feel like someone is standing on my chest, making is hard to catch my breath.

I never used to consider myself an anxious person; in fact, I'm known for being pretty well laid-back. But lately, I am entirely and utterly overwhelmed.

Sometime in the last three weeks, it all came to a head. As I was watching the swirl, I realized I needed to do something to simplify, or that spinning vortex was going to suck me right in. In the last 10 days, I've cut back on two volunteer posts I love to do—I'm down to singing with the praise team at Peace Lutheran now just one week a month, and I will not be renewing my officer post with the Sigma Alpha Tau alumnae group (my college sorority). These two things are in addition to already cutting out book club a few years ago (but I still go once or twice a year, just to see the girls).

If I could have my way, I would have chosen work as the cut-back candidate. It's not meant to be. It used to be that at least half of the year, my job was a pretty standard 40-hour-a-week post. I didn't mind spending the other half of the year working a little extra here and there, knowing that all offices have their busy times.

Now work has morphed into a 50- to 60-hour a week job, all year long. It's killing me!

I know a lot of you out there work long hours, so you're wondering what I'm complaining about. The problem is this: I work in the office on Monday, Wednesday and Thursdays—usually long days up to 10.5 hours. This still gives me time to race home and either catch dinner with David and Noah or just tuck Noah into bed at 8 o'clock... at which point I have to work again before collapsing into my own bed at 10. Tuesday I work from home, trying to cram in a full day's work in Noah's 2- to 3-hour nap. It's not happening, as you might have guessed.

The sad thing is that I know my schedule isn't even "busy" yet. Down the road there will be soccer games and after-school activities, sleepovers, and maybe even a date or two with my husband. I'm not even ready to think about that level of madness.

For now, I kind of feel like I'm clinging to a rock in a river, waiting for someone to rescue me. Unfortunately for me, that kind of rescue involves things that aren't going to happen right away: a shorter commute (can you say an hour each way?!), lower cost of living (gas is beating us up right now!), time to myself (what?!), a cleaning service, etc.

I do feel fortunate about one thing: I may be in that river—as I'm sure a lot of people are too—but I'm glad that I at least know how to swim.