Osama bin Laden's new regime: suicide deer

Osama bin Laden has launched a jihad against my husband. I don't know how he's managed it since he's regularly near death and currently hiding out in the hills of the Middle (or Far?) East, but he IS attacking my husband.

Today he launched not one, but TWO separate attacks against David. I am happy to report that his efforts were futile; David is alive and well.

But his car is not. It is, by the grace of God, still "alive," but it is most definitely not well. Already bearing the scars of Bin Laden's first attack nearly two years ago (spare parts still waiting patiently in our garage), David's car today sustained damage on its grill, headlight and both passenger doors. Most impressive.

What, say you, would cause such mass destruction? Why deer, of course. They're the new rage in suicide attacks.

The first recruit launched itself directly into the front passenger door and along the entire length of David's car this morning, just five minutes into his hour commute. David never even saw it coming through the pitch black dark that only exists in no-man's-land country.


Adding insult to injury, the deer managed to poop on his Trailblazer's back panel before it met its demise in the shallow, watery ditch grave parallel with the road. The nerve!


Thinking the worst was over, David chanced driving home tonight from our family dinner at Pizza Hut. Noah and I were not 200 yards behind him when an all-out assault came flying out of a cornfield, directly in the path of David's car. From my angle, I thought he just missed the 8–10 deer-bombers, but then his car came to a complete stop. Uh-oh.

And then he pointed out his car's grill, which was now resting on the shoulder of the road like shrapnel. Oy vey!


Remarkably, the car still runs. Thankfully, no one was hurt. Hopefully, Bin Laden's deer-bombers will feel like it's mission complete. We are, officially, waving the white flag.

But the rest of you, take caution. My parents were victims of the same regime earlier this year in three separate incidents, and I myself had a series of run-ins with the clever beasts in the winter of '06/'07. If they haven't come after you yet... they will. Beware the deer-bombers, BEWARE!!!